Fancy Fast Food (a Food Humor Blog)

The pop culture satirical cookbook, Fancy Fast Food: Ironic Recipes with No Bun Intended, is finally here! It’s been long overdue, but the Fancy Fast Food book is finally here… it’s time to celebrate! For the occasion, we here in the Fancy Fast Food kitchen have baked a cake — err, made a cake without baking — in the only way we do things around here.

You guessed it, we’ve styled a Subway footlong sub into petit fours, those bite-sized confections you eat as a final course, along with espresso served in fancy cups that you hold with your pinkies up in the air. Oh you fancy, huh, Sure, you can get pocket sized desserts at fast food chains (i.e. cookies, little apple pies), but where’s the gross out factor in that,

We’re going to take fast food fancification to a new level (down, that is), by using mayo for “chocolate frosting,” and bologna as a “fondant.” Disgusting, You bet. But look how fancy it is! And you thought Subway called their employees “sandwich artists.” Pfft. First things first; we’re going to need Coke reduction to use as a food coloring, so pour all the Coke in a non-stick skillet.

Bring it to an aggressive boil, so all the water starts evaporating. Next, open the submarine sandwich. Hopefully your Subway “sandwich artist” put the layer of cold cuts with the salami and ham on top, so the mayonnaise doesn’t get all over the bologna, which we want to remain clean.

Either way, scrape off all the mayonnaise and put it in a little prep bowl (and rinse of the bologna if there’s mayo on it). We really don’t need the textured slices of the ham and salami, so go ahead and eat them, feed them to your dog, or throw them against a window for fun. Next, the bread. Using a sharp knife, cut about 3" off the end. Start sculpting this piece by cutting and shaving off pieces so that what you have left are little, even square slabs of bread, about 2" wide.

If you mess up, you have the rest of the bread to use. In the end, you should end up with six pieces — two sets of three pieces for the two petit fours shown in this recipe. Hopefully by now the Coke has reduced down to a thick syrup, which we are going to use as a food dye to make the mayonnaise look more chocolatey.

Spoon Coke reduction into the prep bowl with the mayonnaise a little at a time as you mix it thoroughly. As soon as it starts to look the color of chocolate pudding, you’ve done enough. Take this “pudding” and spread it in between the three layers of bread for each of the petit fours you are going to make. Then stack them up, and clean off any extra “pudding” oozing out. Now it’s time to be the disgusting “cake boss” you never thought you could be.

Using bologna as a “fondant,” drape a slice over each of the little stacks of bread — make sure you do this evenly, so each side will get coverage. Fold over the corners towards one side, and fasten them in place with toothpicks broken in half. Do this again to the other side, and repeat the process for each of the petit fours you are going to make.

The little “cake” doesn’t look too fancy, so we’re going to decorate it. Unfortunately, we’ve used up all our mayonnaise, so we’re going to make the cucumbers look like icing. Using a sharp paring knife, cut off the green skin of a cucumber slice. Then, cut out a long strip of cucumber in a spiral fashion, so you can get the longest strand possible.